Thursday, February 22, 2007
A BUMMER BIRTHDAY TURNED TO JOY
Birthdays have never been a big deal - whether positively or negatively. I do remember feeling some pangs on my 25th that I was now a "quarter-century old." But yesterday was a bummer. Why should #56 be an issue?
I suppose any psychiatrist worth his salt would note that it was my first birthday after the death of my last parent and that both had died relatively recently (Nov. 2004 and Oct. 2006). It's not that, frankly, I was particularly close to them or miss them on a daily basis. We had never lived nearby and often saw each other only once a year at best.
But it must have been that cosmic thing of having a birthday when all the physical, family connections to that event are gone. The people who gave birth to me have passed. Concerning that Wednesday evening event in Tennessee years ago, I am the only one left. The people intimately connected with my birth day are gone.
So I was bummed. Until...
My wife arranged a surprise dinner with our church home group. We have had a group meet in our home on Wednesday evenings for over 10 years. Even some from earlier years who are no longer part of the weekly event came to the dinner.
Being an introvert, I am not big on parties or being the center of attention. I don't mind speaking on Sunday to a full auditorium, but don't throw a surprise party for me!
However, as people spoke genuine words of appreciation and identified qualities in my life and ministry that touched and made a difference in their lives, I was deeply moved and fulfilled. We go into adulthood, and ministers go into ministry, with certain goals. We also marry and have children with certain goals. It was overwhelming to hear that those goals were being realized and actualized in reality. Wow.
It was a God-thing. That is the only reason my wife would have dared to do this - and she even succeeded in surprising me. Thank you Kathy, kids and home group.
I suppose any psychiatrist worth his salt would note that it was my first birthday after the death of my last parent and that both had died relatively recently (Nov. 2004 and Oct. 2006). It's not that, frankly, I was particularly close to them or miss them on a daily basis. We had never lived nearby and often saw each other only once a year at best.
But it must have been that cosmic thing of having a birthday when all the physical, family connections to that event are gone. The people who gave birth to me have passed. Concerning that Wednesday evening event in Tennessee years ago, I am the only one left. The people intimately connected with my birth day are gone.
So I was bummed. Until...
My wife arranged a surprise dinner with our church home group. We have had a group meet in our home on Wednesday evenings for over 10 years. Even some from earlier years who are no longer part of the weekly event came to the dinner.
Being an introvert, I am not big on parties or being the center of attention. I don't mind speaking on Sunday to a full auditorium, but don't throw a surprise party for me!
However, as people spoke genuine words of appreciation and identified qualities in my life and ministry that touched and made a difference in their lives, I was deeply moved and fulfilled. We go into adulthood, and ministers go into ministry, with certain goals. We also marry and have children with certain goals. It was overwhelming to hear that those goals were being realized and actualized in reality. Wow.
It was a God-thing. That is the only reason my wife would have dared to do this - and she even succeeded in surprising me. Thank you Kathy, kids and home group.
Friday, February 16, 2007
PASSIVE, AGGRESSIVE OR ASSERTIVE?
I am part of a team teaching the Stephen Ministry material at our congregation. (For info about this peer-to-peer ministry go to http://www.stephenministries.org.) One of the text books is Speaking the Truth in Love (by Ruth Koch and Kenneth Haugk) which addresses how we communicate with other people.
Assertiveness is a constructive, helpful and healthy way to relate to people. In contrast, we often communicate unhealthily by being too passive or too aggressive (a third option is passive-aggressive.)
Assertive communication respects both self and the other. It considers the needs and wants of both parties, but clearly communicates the truth. A biblical mandate that fits the assertive principle is I Peter 3:15 which calls on Christians to clearly communicate ("give an answer for") the basis for the hope they have, but to do so with "gentleness and respect..."
The principles of assertive communication are crucial for healthy interaction in marriage, the workplace, with friends and in all of life. If you struggle with boundaries, fear of hurting feelings, being taken for granted, not knowing how to say "no" or "yes, but" or hesitate to make requests and often feel badly after an interaction, this book and its practical guidelines will help. It also addresses the often dicey areas of offering and receiving both criticism and compliments.
Communicating clearly, gently and, when needed, persistently won't solve all problems. All you can do is control yourself and get it right on your part. But working on our own communication skills will improve many situations that we tend to handle inadequately causing unnecessary barriers to good relationships.
Assertiveness is a constructive, helpful and healthy way to relate to people. In contrast, we often communicate unhealthily by being too passive or too aggressive (a third option is passive-aggressive.)
Assertive communication respects both self and the other. It considers the needs and wants of both parties, but clearly communicates the truth. A biblical mandate that fits the assertive principle is I Peter 3:15 which calls on Christians to clearly communicate ("give an answer for") the basis for the hope they have, but to do so with "gentleness and respect..."
The principles of assertive communication are crucial for healthy interaction in marriage, the workplace, with friends and in all of life. If you struggle with boundaries, fear of hurting feelings, being taken for granted, not knowing how to say "no" or "yes, but" or hesitate to make requests and often feel badly after an interaction, this book and its practical guidelines will help. It also addresses the often dicey areas of offering and receiving both criticism and compliments.
Communicating clearly, gently and, when needed, persistently won't solve all problems. All you can do is control yourself and get it right on your part. But working on our own communication skills will improve many situations that we tend to handle inadequately causing unnecessary barriers to good relationships.
